当旧爱在网上靠近

　　Is it really a good idea to 'friend' our old flames and crushes online?
　　在网上将旧情人加为好友，这样做合适吗？

　　Ask Joy Moore, who recently went searching for her first love on the Internet. In 1974, he was captain of the high-school football team -- tall, handsome, with mutton-chop sideburns that Ms. Moore says were 'all the rage at the time.' He took her to church events and taught her how to kiss. Then he moved away.
　　问问乔伊•摩尔(Joy Moore)吧，她最近刚刚在网上寻找初恋情人。1974年，他还是高中橄榄球队的队长──高大、帅气、留着络腮胡子，摩尔说那当时可是风行一时。他带她去参加教会的活动，教她接吻。后来他搬走了。

　　Flash ahead 30-odd years. When Ms. Moore saw her old love's name on Facebook, she says she felt 'that little flutter' in her chest.
　　30多年一晃而过。当摩尔在Facebook上看到旧爱的名字时，她说她觉得心跳不已。

　　Until she saw his picture. 'He had a beard down to his belly and looked just like one of the members of ZZ Top,' says Ms. Moore, 49 years old, an executive coach in Albuquerque, N.M. 'His accomplishment for the year was being the local darts champ.'
　　等她看到他的照片就没这种感觉了。现年49岁的摩尔是新墨西哥州阿尔布开克的一名企业教练。她说，他的胡子长及腹部，看上去就像ZZ Top乐队的成员。他一年里的最高成就是成为当地的飞镖冠军。

　　Think about it. We went years without reconnecting, and everything was fine. But now, thanks to social-networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn, our old lovers are essentially popping up in our own homes. It's like having a secret stash of ice cream in the freezer. Even if it's a little stale, it can be hard to resist.
　　想想看。多年没有联系，一切都很好。但现在，由于Facebook、MySpace和LinkedIn这类社交网站，我们的旧情人简直是凭空出现在我们家里。这就像在冰箱里有个隐密的隔层放着冰淇淋。就算有点变味了，但也还是很难抵制它的诱惑。

　　After all, we're talking about the first person we had a crush on, or kissed, or cried over, or had sex with, or took home to Mom, or maybe even married. No wonder we're curious.
　　毕竟那个人是我们的第一次，为之心动、初吻、为他流泪、跟他上床、带他回家认识父母、甚至结婚。难怪我们会好奇。

　　Perhaps we want to ponder the road not taken. Or maybe we're searching for forgiveness -- or vindication. If we are single, or unhappy in a current relationship, we might be looking for someone who was attracted to us at one time because, so the theory goes, they could be attracted to us again.
　　或许我们是想思量自己没有选择的那条路。或许我们是在寻求原谅──或是辩解。如果我们还是单身或者目前跟另一半相处不愉快，我们可能还希望找到曾经一度喜欢自己的人，因为理论上他们可能还会再喜欢我们。

　　Or we may be looking for closure. 'My ex-husband found me on Facebook, and I said sure, what the heck, and friended him,' says Lisa Bakken, a 45-year-old business manager in Grand Lake, Colo., who was married for five years. 'When the wall posted 'Lisa and Oddvar are now friends,' I thought it was hysterical. It's about time!'
　　也许我们是想划上句号。科罗拉多州45岁的商业经理莉莎•巴肯(Lisa Bakken)有过一段历时五年的婚姻。她说，我的前夫在Facebook上找到了我，我说没问题，管他呢，然后就加了他为好友。当状态栏里显示“莉莎和奥德瓦尔(Oddvar)成为好友”时，我觉得兴奋异常。是时候了！

　　Many of us are simply nostalgic. Contacting an old flame allows you to 'look back fondly on that innocent time in your life when you didn't have any significant responsibilities,' says Georgi Chase, 45, of Novato, Calif., who works at a consulting firm and looked up an old boyfriend through a networking site. 'You can go back and rediscover your 19-year-old self and wonder what she would think of the 45-year-old you.'
　　我们许多人只是有点怀旧。45岁乔奇•蔡斯(Georgi Chase)说，跟老情人联系令你得以充满感情地回顾生命中那段单纯的时光，那时你没有任何重要的责任。你可以追溯19岁的自己，想想她会怎么看45岁的你。蔡斯在一家咨询公司工作，她通过一家社交网站寻找前男友。

　　That's all fine and dandy. But I warn you: You are playing with fire.
　　这一切看上去很美。但我得发出警告：这样是在玩火。

　　For one thing, you might be surprised by what you find.
　　一方面，其结果可能出乎你的意料。

　　Mary Ellen Hettinger recently used LinkedIn to look up a guy she knew in college and later dated. 'We'd had all this chemistry between us for years, had a lot of fun together, but when it came down to actually making out or necking, the kissing just didn't work,' says Ms. Hettinger, 55, who lives in Amherst, N.H. and is a public-relations manager for a Girl Scout council.
　　玛丽•埃伦•赫丁格(Mary Ellen Hettinger)最近通过LindedIn寻找她上大学时认识并交往的一个人。赫丁格说，在好几年时间里我们一直很有感觉，在一起也很有意思，但等到真正亲热的时候就不行了。现年55岁的赫丁格住在新罕布什尔州的Amherst，是一家女童子军理事会的公关经理。

　　So how is her old beau doing now? 'You guessed it, he's gay!' she says.
　　那她这位老情人现在怎么样了？赫丁格说，你想都想不到，他是同性恋！

　　Sure, it's unsettling to find out your ex is now more wrinkled, chubby or bald -- or a different sexual orientation -- than you remember. But it isn't the worst thing that can happen.
　　当然了，发现旧人的外表跟你记忆中的大不一样会让人很难受，比如说皱纹更多、变得大腹便便或是谢了顶──或者连性取向都改变了。但这还不是最糟糕的情况。

　　You could discover they hate you.
　　你可能会发现他们恨你。

　　You'll know they do if they ignore you. Or tell you off. Or send you a link to that Kate Miller-Heidke Facebook song that made the rounds online this summer. The Australian singer-songwriter wrote a bitingly hilarious, if vulgar, ditty about a loathed ex's unwanted friend request.
　　如果他们忽略你的请求，或是对你恶语相向，或者发给你澳洲歌手Kate Miller-Heidke的Facebook歌曲链接，你就应该知道他们恨你。那首歌今年夏天在网上风行一时。这位歌手兼创作人写了一首犀利热闹的通俗歌曲，内容是可恨的旧情人不受欢迎的好友请求。

　　A former lover who is still hurt -- not surprising? Well, consider this: What may be most at risk when you 'poke' an ex online may be your current relationship. In a Facebook group called, appropriately, 'Facebook ruined my relationship,' a man from England explained that his wife had left him for an old school friend she had found online. 'Once she became secretive about her posts, I should have become suspicious,' he wrote.
　　仍然觉得很受伤的旧情人──没什么出奇的？那好吧，想想看，当你在网上联络老情人的时候，最危险的可能是现在的伴侣。在一个名为“Facebook毁了我的关系” （这个名字恰如其分）的Facebook群组中，一个来自英国的男人说，他妻子在网上找到一位老同学，从此弃他而去。他写道，在她开始对帖子内容保密的时候，我就应该有所怀疑了。

　　Of course, all this isn't really the fault of the Internet. It's our fault. It's what happens when you ignore the time-honored rule on former romantic partners: Let sleeping dogs lie.
　　当然，这一切并非全是互联网的错。错在我们自己。对于已成过往的浪漫爱侣，有一条历久弥新的规则：莫惹是非。违反了这条规则，就会发生这种事。

　　Pre-Facebook, we wouldn't have dreamed of writing a letter -- or picking up the phone and calling -- an old flame. If you went looking for a former partner, you knew you were looking for trouble.
　　在Facebook出现之前，我们想都不会去想给老情人写信或是打电话。如果你去找以前的伴侣，你知道自己是在找麻烦。

　　We need new rules now.
　　现在我们需要新的规则。

　　How about these? You can look, but don't make contact. Strike an agreement with your current partner that you will each disclose any Facebook friends you have slept with. Or, like Katie Robinson, limit your online 'friends' to people of the same sex. 'It is hard enough to have a relationship without the intrusion of people from your past,' says Ms. Robinson, a 33-year-old artist in Memphis, Tenn.
　　这样如何？你可以看，但不能联系。跟现在的伴侣达成一致，跟你有过关系的Facebook好友都要让对方知道。或者像33岁的艺术家凯蒂•鲁宾逊(Katie Robinson)一样，将在线“好友”限定在同性。鲁宾逊来自田纳西州的孟菲斯，她说，要让现在的关系不受过往的侵扰太难了。

　　Some couples share their passwords. 'If your bank accounts are common, why not your Twitter and Facebook accounts?' asks Clemson Smith Muniz, a Spanish-language sports announcer in New York.
　　一些夫妇设置了同样的密码。纽约的西班牙语体育播音员克莱姆森•史密斯•穆尼兹(Clemson Smith Muniz)说，如果你们拥有共同的银行帐户，那你们的Twitter和Facebook帐户为什么不能这样呢？

　　Sound scary? Mr. Smith Muniz discovered one of the drawbacks when he checked his Twitter following -- which he spent months trying to build -- and discovered an alarming trend: It kept shrinking.
　　听上去有点吓人？穆尼兹查看他的Twitter关注情况时发现了两人共用帐户的一个缺点（他花了好几个月时间打理Twitter帐户），还发现了一个令人担忧的趋势：关注他的人越来越少。

　　At first, he worried that people found him boring and were dropping out. He tried harder to be clever, 'tweeting' about Cuban baseball players and his dental problems. He even pleaded for readers: 'Follow me and I'll follow you.'
　　一开始他担心人们觉得他很无聊所以才退出。他更加努力地展露自己的才识，在Twitter中发表有关古巴棒球运动员和自己的牙齿问题的内容。他甚至请求读者“关注我吧，我也会关注你”。

　　Then he discovered his problem: his wife.
　　然后他发现了问题所在：他的妻子。

　　'She told me she was going on my account and taking off women she thought were coming on to me,' says Mr. Smith Muniz, 51. She didn't care if they were old girlfriends or porn stars. 'She said she doesn't want temptation to be there,' he says. (His wife declined to be interviewed.)
　　51岁的穆尼兹说，她告诉我她登录我的帐户，将她认为是冲我来的女性删掉。她才不管那些人是前女友还是色情明星。她说她不希望有诱惑存在。（他妻子拒绝接受采访。）

　　Still, transparency is good for your relationship, experts say. If you are in touch with an old lover online, tell your current partner, advises Karen Gail Lewis, a marriage and family therapist in Cincinnati. You should explain why you want to touch base with your ex, she says, listen to your partner's concerns, and share any correspondence. 'It should be the two together talking about the one over there,' says Dr. Lewis.
　　不过专家说，透明度对你跟伴侣的关系有好处。辛辛那提的婚姻家庭问题专家刘易斯(Karen Gail Lewis)说，如果你在网上跟老情人有联系，应当告诉现在的伴侣。她说，你应当解释为什么想与之联系，听听另一半的顾虑，并将你们的往来内容给对方看。刘易斯说，应该两个人一起谈论网络另一端的那个人。